There is panic on the streets of Henley-on-Thames. The red kites are revolting. According to a BBC source, a man, sat in his garden eating a croissant, was stared at maliciously by a red kite from a nearby tree. His neighbour is now too scared to go into her garden. One of the beasts hovered, whilst she dined outside on a couscous and smoked salmon salad. Her mid-morning Pimms spilled in the mayhem. Get a grip. In Sunderland, seagulls walk with semi-automatic rifles, steal people’s credit cards at knifepoint, to buy three-piece suits from Burtons. That is real rebellion, and not a reporter to be found.